A Jewish wedding ceremony is a set of parts you pick from, not a script you follow

Your partner said yes to a Jewish wedding and then asked what actually happens, in order. You got about three items in before you ran out. Here's the whole shape of it, with the honest note attached to every piece: almost none of it is required.

How long is a Jewish wedding ceremony?

Commonly 20 to 45 minutes, and about thirty is where most couples land. What stretches it: several readings, personal vows, the seven blessings done in both Hebrew and English, and a ketubah (the Jewish marriage contract) read in full rather than excerpted. What shortens it: fewer readings, an excerpted ketubah, and an officiant who keeps the handoffs tight.

Length is the one variable you can set in advance, so set it. Tell your officiant the number you want and ask them to build to it. Good ones will, and they'll tell you what you'd have to lose to get there.

What happens before the ceremony?

At many Jewish weddings, two things happen before anyone walks down an aisle. The ketubah gets signed in front of witnesses, and there's a bedeken (pronounced bah-DEH-ken, the veiling, where one partner lowers a veil over the other's face). Both are small moments with family and a photographer in the room, usually in the half hour before the ceremony. Some couples do both, some do one, plenty do neither.

The bedeken has a story attached: Jacob was tricked into marrying the wrong sister because he couldn't see her face. Told well, it takes twenty seconds and lands hard. Told badly, it's a man putting a cloth over a woman's head, which is exactly why couples adapt it constantly. Both partners veil each other. One holds the other's face instead. Or it becomes a first look with both families crowded into a small room, which is the version that makes the most people cry.

Some weddings also include a tish (Yiddish for "table," a gathering where one or both partners hold court with food, whiskey, and deliberately terrible singing while friends heckle). It's loud, it's fun, and mostly a traditional-community thing.

Who walks down the aisle, and in what order?

In the traditional Jewish processional, both partners are walked in by both of their parents, and nobody is given away by anyone. A common order: officiant, grandparents, wedding party, then one partner with both their parents, then the other partner with both of theirs. Families who haven't seen it are often surprised, and often like it, because it puts four parents in the picture instead of one.

It's also completely adjustable. Couples walk in alone, together, from opposite sides, with a stepparent and a parent both, or skip the aisle and start already standing. When a parent has died, some couples walk with a sibling, some carry a photo, some leave the space open on purpose. Whatever you pick, tell your families months ahead. The processional is the most feelings-heavy thirty seconds of the entire day for parents.

What happens under the chuppah?

Most couples stand under a chuppah (pronounced HOO-pah, a canopy on four poles, open on all sides), though plenty don't. The elements that commonly appear there: circling, betrothal blessings over a cup of wine, rings, a reading from the ketubah, the sheva brachot (seven blessings), and breaking a glass. That's the traditional sequence and it works as a menu. Couples use some of it, add vows and readings, and ask their officiant to explain each piece in a sentence as it happens.

Circling is the one people ask about. The traditional version has one partner circling the other seven times. Couples now do three circles each and a seventh together, one each, circling hand in hand, or nothing at all. The traditional version has an obvious asymmetry to it, which is why it gets adapted more than anything else here.

The ring line is worth reading in translation beforehand. In the traditional formula the person giving the ring speaks, declaring the other consecrated to them "according to the laws of Moses and Israel," which is one-directional in a way that surprises couples. Two rings, both partners speaking, and adapted English wording are all ordinary now; our interfaith ceremony guide covers the versions officiants use. If you include the seven blessings, one person can say all seven or you can hand them out. And a glass, wrapped in a cloth bag, gets broken by one partner or both, after which the room shouts "Mazel tov!" (good fortune, used as congratulations).

What is yichud?

Yichud (pronounced yee-CHOOD, "seclusion") is the eight to twenty minutes the couple spends alone in a closed room right after the ceremony, before anyone else can reach them. Traditionally it's the first time you're alone together as a married couple, and traditionally someone stands outside the door. Plenty of couples have never heard of it and add it once they do.

The reason is unglamorous: the next four hours are a receiving line. Twenty minutes with a plate of food, no phones, and nobody asking you anything is the only stretch of the day that belongs to the two of you. Ask your venue for a room. It's optional like everything else here, and it's the optional thing we'd argue hardest for.

Can you change the order?

Yes. Couples routinely cut elements, reorder them, and add their own, and what comes out the other side is still a Jewish wedding. Personal vows are a modern addition plenty of couples include and plenty skip. Circling gets dropped all the time. An officiant's real job is telling you which changes are invisible and which one your grandmother will notice.

The answer gets more specific in exactly one place. Halacha is Jewish religious law, and if you want the marriage recognized as halachically binding by a particular community, certain elements have to be present and performed a certain way by a mesader kiddushin (the person qualified to arrange the betrothal under Jewish law). That's a fact about one community's recognition, not a verdict on your wedding. Raise it in your first conversation with an officiant if it matters to you. If it doesn't, none of it applies to the wedding you're planning.

Officiants differ enormously in how they run this, so ask each to walk you through their default ceremony before booking. Browse officiants in New York City or your own metro, and bring the questions to ask an officiant to the call. If half your guest list has never been to a Jewish wedding, send them what to expect as a guest.